re/discovery

There's the question of what it means to desire intensity.

But then there's also the question of what it means to pursue intensity.

I've been pondering lately the nature of taking risks. And thinking about all the ways in which we become risk averse as we get older.

I've been saying I want to be fearless. But I haven't really pushed that, to see what it means. To be fearless in work, in thoughts, in life. And, just to be completely cliched -- fearless in love.

So this is what I see as I look around me and pay some close attention to people who seem a little less jaded than I -- whether because of age, or life experience, or choice. I see a willingness to still engage with intensity, to pursue it actively, to see it as a prize rather than something fearsome.

And then I found myself -- somewhat unexpectedly -- asking myself when was the last time I put myself in a position where someone was actually interested in knowing me. I had a series of boyfriends who were all emotionally disengaged in some fundamental ways. They manifested it in different ways -- sometimes through substances, sometimes through habits of interaction. But I've been gravitating in recent years to people who have numbed themselves to emotion, which makes it *really* safe to engage with them romantically. It becomes a performance of connection, rather than an actual connection. It's a parallel to what I think happens in other venues of life as years past. No passion, please -- we're adults. Too much enthusiasm -- downright unseemly.

Re/discovering that I miss an intensity of connection. But the thought of indulging in that is somewhat terrifying. And, frankly, I'm not at all convinced I remember how to do it.